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Kimmel Dining Hall to Begin Serving Sober People

Syracuse University announced yesterday that Kimmel Dining Hall will begin
serving sober people starting next week.

“For too long Kimmel has catered exclusively to the needs of drunk and high
students,” said Amy Lee, the head of SU’s housing and food services. “All students,
regardless of their state of consciousness, should be able to eat Taco Bell at 2:00 in the morning.”

Kimmel has historically been  for “fucked up people only”. Recent pressure, however, from various groups on campus has lead to change.

The Syracuse Student Association led the charge.

“It is my right as a citizen of this university to eat KFC no matter how high I am,” said SA Vice President Erica Coghburn. “We should have the right to choose is all I’m saying.”

The decision is being considered one of the most controversial in recent history for
the university.

“Ssstt fucccknniin blujlshlit,” said Tim Minor, a sophomore accounting major who
was drunk, high, and eating a “crunch wrap supreme” at the time of this interview.
“Ssffafucks.”

“We have always been [sic] one of this nation’s most progressive schools. This is simply another display of that,” said Lee. “This is a step toward equal rights for all Syracuse students regardless of if they’re drunk, high on weed, meth or coke, or sober because they’re pussies.”

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