Le Orange

‘Fuck,’ Reports Junior on Question 1

“Fuck.  I don’t…fucking,” reported junior Eric Flejma to himself after reading question number one on the first test in his Introduction to Adult Psychology class.

Flejma was seen chewing his pencil and tapping his foot on the ground in quick repetition more than 45 seconds after the test began yesterday morning. After three long sighs, Flejma stared at a fixed point on the ceiling for two minutes hoping the answer would appear in the tile.

When it did not, Flejma asked the girl sitting next to him for a pencil in an attempt to cheat off of her while she went to retrieve the extra writing utensil. “You already have a pencil,” the girl.

“Why didn’t you study? You’re playing too much Call of Duty, Flejma. I don’t know. You’re such an idiot. You…fuck…what does this even mean? It could be all of these. Come on, Flejma. Think, you fucking, ugh,” Flejma said to himself halfway through the allotted time given to take the test.

 After reading question two, Flejma reported, “fuck it,” and filled in the remainder of the 70 question bubble-sheet randomly.

Later in the day, Flejma reported to friends, “I killed that shit.”

Menstruating ETS Major Finally Gives In And Watches Girls

Menstruating ETS Major Emily Hornbrowner, a junior, finally gave in today and watched the HBO show Girls.

Hornbrowner is said to have wept and intermediately masturbed while watching the popular comedy.

“Emily really is too uptight—I mean she is always insisting that she never watches TV and that people who do are ‘idiots’,” explained friend Bailey Newman. “Well look who’s a fucking idiot now.”

Hornbrowner’s parents immediately came to the defense of their child.

“Emily really just needs to let herself go a little,” said mother Carol Hornbrowner. “ She is so hard on herself and works so hard! I’m glad she’s watching a little TV.”

Bandier Program Makes Being White Rapper Admission Requirement

The Bandier Program for Music and Allied Entertainment Industries (BPMFAAEI) has announced that it will make “being a white rapper” a part of its admissions process.

“We figured we would just save all the white rappers a lot of time wondering if they should apply—they should,” explained Program Director Eric Deznak. “And in fact, from now on, only white rappers should apply.”

Deznak estimates that this will save the program time in rejecting non-white rappers and non-rappers without having to read admissions essays.

He also added that only residents of Los Angeles and Long Island need apply.

“The two things go hand in hand,” Deznak said.

Current non-white rappers or white non-rappers will be allowed to stay in the program if they are already attending the university. 

DKE Brother Wins Origami World Championship

Junior Timothy Brainstem, a brother member of the fraternity DKE,  returns to campus this semester a world champion—a world origami champion that is.

“Dude, I fucking rocked that shit,” Brainstem said. “Paper fucking swans. Fuck that shit.”

“My man Tim makes really lovely fucking little paper fucking things,” said fraternity brother Eric Defrenstratesman. “I’ve got one of his little  bombass swans next to my bed. I like to play with it…it makes me happy.”

“That shit is so fucking cute,” said senior Timothy Van Horten. “Sometimes I put them inside the sleeping girls I fuck.”

Brainstem’s parents, in an interview with Le Orange described their son as “a gentle Japanese artist in a 21st century douche-bag’s body” and “a nice kid”.

Brainstem has indicated that he will retire from origami after this latest triumph.

“Yea bro,  I did it—I shocked the world,” Brainstem said. “Now I’m done with that  flowery shit. Next, I’m gonna learn how to quilt. “

Lawrinson Hall Holds Finger Your Floormate Day To Start New Semester

Lawrinson Hall began the new semester with a bang today after  Resident Advisor Stephen Droid started a dorm-wide program to “finger your floormate”.

“We noticed freshman were just not interacting enough for our tastes,” explained Drew. “So we figured if they started fingering their floormates, you know….things would take off.

According to Drew, starting Friday night, residents have been required to get drunk and text  a floormate assigned to them asking if they “wanna hookup”.

The residents will be required to serve the needs of whoever texts them—no questions asked.

“Look, they gotta start hanging out together, or floor moral will plummet,” said Drew. “Any orifice will do, and it really doesn’t have to last that long, just like a night…they totally don’t have to do that thing in the mornings where they try to make up for not remembering each other’s names by having sex again or something…I mean come on.”

Lonely freshman Derek Frampton said he was thrilled by the idea.

“I was going to play Halo tonight, but instead the university is mandating that I get to finger some girl…I just hope I don’t get a dude…but whatever,” Frampton said.

According to a Le Orange source inside Lawrinson Hall, the program is expected to go  over like a “wet blanket.”

Pretentious Philosophy Major Gets Comeuppance

Pretentious Philosophy major William Brainer got his comeuppance early this morning when broke his neck by slipping on a copy of Immanuel Kants “Groundwork to the Metaphysics of Morals” which had fallen on the library floor.

“I was reading this book- right- this fuckin’ boring book, for class and I fell asleep,” said sophomore Greg Hretman. “And it must have fallen out of my hands. Whatever. Fuck that dude. He would talk for like twenty minutes at a time in class about metaethics and like fuck dude- it was Stats 101.”

Brainer, according to his doctors will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

“He’ll really get to do ‘armchair’ philosophy now,” said advisor Frederick Windleman.  

Cantor Set To Appear On Episode Of “Bang Bus”

School Chancellor Nancy Cantor, according to rumors, is set to appear on an episode of the long running series of porn videos “Bang Bus”. 

Each video consists of a typical everywoman who is “picked up on the street,” and is then persuaded to engage in sex act with men in the back of a van (usually while it’s driving) - the titular Bang Bus. Each storyline usually ends with the woman being dropped off unpaid and in the wrong location, shouting at the men as they drive off laughing. The series is shot primarily in Miami, Florida- though an exception is in the works for the Chancellor.

“I’ve chilled free speech on campus for years now,” explained Cantor. “So I thought I’d do something so degrading that any article written about it would automatically threaten whatever publication covers the story with suspension and legal action. It’s a paradox- see?”

“The Chancellor is known for her community outreach,” said Provost Merrick Wina. “I think Bang Bus is the natural next step for her. I think we’re all excited for this episode.”

Listless Senior Wonders Where Cell IPhone Is

Listless Senior Amy Crane wondered where she put her IPhone this morning.

Crane, who reportedly slept on her couch wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, refused “move more than three feet” in her efforts to find the phone.

“I mean, shit…” Crane said when asked by a Le Orange reporter what her motivations were for finding the phone. “I want… to order… wings… eat…graduating… soon…life…death…”

Crane’s friends, also seniors, could not be reached for comment. 

New Study: Dead Puppy Leads to More Sex Than Live Puppy

A new study released by senior accounting major Andrew Frocklick yesterday shows that having a dead puppy increases sexual activity by 68%, while owning a live puppy only increases sexual activity by 8%.

“I bought a puppy thinking that girls would hit on me while I was walking it, and it would provide a boost to my sex life.  But then it got hit by a car last week,” Frocklick said.  “But guess what gets you more action than having a live puppy?  Having a dead puppy.  There is literally no way for anyone to resist the pick up line, ‘Hey, I would be walking up to you with a really cute puppy, but he’s dead.’  It works every time.  I’m irresistible.  During the week I had that little guy, nothing really changed for me.  But, then everything took off like a rocket.”

Frocklick said he plans to send his studies to sociology journals within the next few weeks.

“Nobody has really put much effort into studying the dead puppy sexual paradox.  Maybe I’m a pioneer.  A visionary.  I guess we’ll let time figure that one out,” Frocklick said.