March 2012
1 post
Hipsters Plan Exotic Spring Break Trip to Brooklyn
Syracuse University hipsters have decided that they will take an exotic spring break trip to Brooklyn, NY this year.
“We’re gonna throw our fixed gear bikes in the back of the used Toyota hybrid SUV my parents bought me last year and ship off to Brooklyn for a week of reading short fiction, growing mustaches, and sneaking pieces of bacon while pretending to be vegan. Also, Animal Collective,”...
February 2012
30 posts
University Reveals 100% Of Students On Track For...
The Dean of Records, Adam Scheffler, admitted today that 100% of students are on par for a 4.0 this semester, breaking last semester’s record of 98%.
Scheffler denied, however, that the grades were due to what is known as “grade inflation.”
“No. Unequivocally. No. We just happen to have students who are all perfect,” Scheffler said in a phone interview with Le...
Le Orange Special Report: That Guy’s Been Staring...
According to a Le Orange Special Report that guy, see him, right over there, no, not there, look, follow my finger, yeah, right there, that guy, he’s been staring right at you the entire time we’ve been at this house party.
“Every like, I don’t know, two miutes he takes a sip of his drink and the looks right at you. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed,” the report said. “You should go talk to...
Study: 97% Of Students Who Complain About Working...
A new study conducted by the Center for Intercollegiate Hypocrisy announced today that 97% of students who complain about labor conditions in Chinese factories contracted by Apple, own an IPHONE.
“Yo dude- fuck neoliberalism,” said junior Jonny Bones as he checked his IPHONE. “I’m reading right here on my IPHONE that workers make like 48c an hour! That’s...
Vice President Joe Biden to Speak at Chuck’s
Representatives for Vice President Joe Biden confirmed today that the SU alumnus is set to return to campus for what is being referred to as a “night of crazy times and definitely a speech at Chuck’s.”
“We are happy to announce that Mr. Biden will be returning to Syracuse for the first time in two years to meet with students and engage them in discourse over a pitcher and a Neil Diamond...
TRF Students Announce Plan to Be Pretentious...
Television, radio, and film students announced plans last night to be as obnoxious and pretentious as humanly possible during Sunday’s Academy Awards broadcast.
“We pledged as an entire major last night to make Oscar watching parties we attend as unbearable as we possibly can,” said senior TRF student Howie Kidnip. “Will we be incredibly judgemental of every movie nominated for anything? Yes. ...
Bandier Student Reminds Everyone He’s Awesome
James Hanford, a senior in the Bandier Program, reminded everyone yesterday that in case they’d forgotten or it had slipped from their mind, he’s awesome for being a student in the Bandier Program.
“I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while. I think it’s been two days actually. And not to be belittling or anything because I don’t want to seem like a cocky douchebag, but, as a student in the...
French Day On International Floor Leads To Stinky...
French Day on the international floor of Day Hall lead to a stinky cheese smell throughout the residence hall yesterday, leading to several complaints.
“Dude- it smells like fromage up in this bitch,” said undeclared freshman Eric Moldini.
“Yo who left the cheese out, is it French Day in here or what?” asked confused fellow freshman Tim Thomas.
Residents who...
73 % Of Students Think Watching Downton Abbey...
A new study conducted today by the DKE Foundation for the Arts, found that 73% of students now consider those who watch the PBS television show Downtown Abbey as being “well-read”.
“It like, takes place in a castle with British people- so it’s like- reading a book right?” stated sophomore Jonny Bones.
“I love that show!” exclaimed senior Amy Fish.
An...
ZBT to Share Male Body Grooming Tips During...
The Syracuse Chapter of ZBT announced last night that they will be holding a community forum on Thursday, March 8th at 7:30 pm in Hendrix Chapel where they will share tips and techniques for male body grooming.
“We were sitting around one day and I turned to one of my boys and I was like, ‘Bro, look at my eye brows. I mean look at how smooth the skin around my eyebrows is. I...
Brief: Senior Discovers Revolutionary Way Of Doing...
Senior Kyle Farmer announced today that he has discovered a “revolutionary” way of doing the dishes.
“I just let them soak for a few days,” explained Farmer. “Then, when I’m ready to do them-all the grime comes right off. Bam!”
Farmer’s roommates released a statement later decrying Farmer’s announcement as “science as lazy as he...
White Student Celebrates Black History Month By...
White student Chris Clemons celebrated black history month yesterday when he borrowed a pencil from black student Will Newman marking the first interaction between the two students.
“See, there are no race issues at this school. Nothing to see here, right? I mean, look at this. Here’s a white student borrowing a pencil for a test from a black student during Black History...
Karl Rove Admits Bush Presidency A "Goof" In...
In a leaked transcript of the speech he will give tonight, former Bush whitehouse deputy chief of staff Karl Rove admitted that the eight years of the Busy presidency “were a goof”.
“We did it as a joke- you know a goof- two wars, massives deficits, tax cuts for the rich, No Child Left Behind, torture, secret surveillance of the populace… the list goes on… Anyway,...
UN Condemns Valentine’s Day Blue-Balls
The United Nations announced its formal, unilateral condemnation of blue balls on Valentine’s Day this morning after releasing a study on pre ejaculation commencement of sexual activities.
“It has come to our attention through a multi-billion dollar, five year study that blue balling is a catastrophic world epidemic on Valentine’s Day,” UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon said. “All peoples engaging...
DPS Admits To Being Less Than Proactive About...
The Syracuse University Department of Public Safety finally conceded in a press conference today that they are “less than proactive about stopping” underage students from drinking alcohol in dorms or at their South Campus apartments.
The announcement came after it was discovered that DPS officer Dan Walker played beer pong instead of breaking up a party at a South Campus apartment...
Facebook Post By Senior Who Just Got a Job Sends...
A Facebook status update by Jack Leafawitz this morning that announced he had just received employment for next year sent still jobless senior Isaac Gurls into a violent rage.
“What a fucking prick! Are you kidding me?! Doesn’t this piece of shit Leafawitz know this is a stressful time for everybody. That not everybody has a fucking job,” Gurls, a television, radio, &...
Brief: Students Who Never Listened To Whitney...
Juniors Tara Stevens and Amanda Hu discussed the death of Whitney Houston today, despite the fact that they never listened to her music.
“Yo I can’t believe sheees deaad,” Hu said to Stevens from across the living room of their South Campus apartment.
“Look at this gif of her I made smoking crack and being eaten by a cat!” Stevens reportedly said to Hu.
...
Old Professor Using Same Lecture He Used In 1964
Really old English professor Herman Jones revealed yesterday to students that he has been using the same lectures year-in and year-out since the early 1960s.
“I’d like to say to all you little kiddies with your baggy pants and your uncollared shirts and what have you, that I have not changed one word of my lectures since 1964. You, in the corner, don’t give me that look. And take off you cap...
Career Fair Leads To Existential Despair
Kristin Stewart, a senior art history major in the College of Arts and Sciences, has reportedly stopped giving a shit about life, after realizing that her chances of finding work after college are nonexistent, and that it doesn’t really matter in the long run, anyway.
Stewart announced her realization Tuesday morning after attending the annual Syracuse University Career Fair.
“I did...
MFA Student's Bathroom Graffiti Also Influenced By...
Third year Creative Writing MFA student Derrick Gums bathroom graffiti was called “derivative of David Foster Wallace”.
The accusation was published in a review written in graffiti in the space directly below Gums’ own graffiti in a Hall of Langauges floor two bathroom stall.
“Yo, you’re ripping off D.F.W. asshole,” wrote the reviewer known only as...
Senior Boyfriends Tell Senior Girlfriends It's...
In an effort to make sure everyone’s on the same page and no one takes it personal, Senior Boyfriends told Senior Girlfriends last night it’s over after graduation.
“Listen, you know how much I love you and these past three years have been really great even in the bad times,” Senior boyfriends told their girlfriends over a pasta dinner while holding their hands....
Announcing call for story submissions:
leorangesubmissions@gmail.com chances are we’ll think you suck, but try anyway!
Whitman Democrat Plans to be Republican by First...
Supply Chain and Management major Tim Williams told reporters today that although he is currently a staunch liberal from a far-left upbringing, he will become a Republican when it becomes advantageous for him to do so, probably around his first million.
“I mean, look, here’s the deal. Do I support a woman’s right to choose? Yes. Do I believe that gay people should have the...
Brief: Alpha Phi Slightly Surprised After Waking...
Alpha Phi Junior Sarah Bellman awoke this past Sunday morning to a the slight surprise.
“I opened my eyes and boom- no pants and twelve ZBT guys passed out around me like it was a Saxon mead-hall,” the dual Marketing and Public Relations major said. “I usually wake up in the basement of some frat at least one night a week, but this is slightly surprising because I usually have at least panties...
Kappa Allots Bids According To Best Interpretation...
Kappa Kappa Gamma, the sorority reputed for allotting bids based on what has been called a “superficial” metric [BMI+Daddy’s Money-IQ], announced that this year’s bids were allotted according to the “most cogent interpretations of Derrida’s seminal essay ‘Of Grammatology’”.
According to chapter president Alexus Lexington, rushes were expected...
IFC Reports 89 Souls Killed During Rushweek
The I.F.C. reported 89 souls were killed during rushweek this past week, a surprising 10% decrease from the previous year.
The decline in dead souls is attributed to a rise in souls considered “D.O.A” or “dead on arrival”.
“Most students these days have already begun the stupefying process of drug and alcohol abuse and total intellectual disengagement before they...
UGLY FRESHMAN MISTAKENLY RECEIVES TRI-DELT BID
Random freshman Laura Jerzack reportedly received a bid to join Tri-Delt’s pledge class of 2012, despite her being noticeably ugly.
This surprise addition to what is known as ‘one of the hot sororities,’- has hit the campus in a big way, with fellow sisters, parents and faculty members all expressing dissatisfaction with the bid.
Carmen Downey, a spokeswoman for Tri-Delt International, held...
Alpha Phi Worried Clown College Will Take All...
Members of the Syracuse University chapter of Alpha Phi expressed concern last night that many of their potential pledges will choose clown college over their sorority.
“As the final weekend of sorority rush is about to begin, we think we have a pretty solid group of girls coming back,” said Alpha Phi president Rachel Rox. “We just are a little worried that a number of those girls will choose...
Very Ticklish Professor Wins Major Award
Professor of philosophy Arnold Baffin, who is known to be very ticklish, was announced as the winner of this year’s Avicenna Prize for philosophy.
“Arnold is a very ticklish man,” said collegue Jarod Bernstein. “That’s probably why he’s so good at metaphysics.”
Baffin’s who made his repupation first with the 1996 book, Reality: A Circumcision, and...
Rock The Dome Upsetting to People Who Are Already...
According to a survey of students by the SU department of psychology, the selection of Rick Ross and Ludicris to headline the first Rock the Dome concert is upsetting only to people who are generally in a constant state of misery.
“After conducting interviews with over 400 students of all sorts of ethinic and social backgrounds, we found that those who were upset with the Rock the Dome headliners...
Public Relations Major Spins Vapid Existence Into...
In what is being described as an attempt to save face, Senior public relations major Jenna Lawrence announced that her shallow, pompous, and selfish existence is really a wonderful thing.
“In order to turn my worthless existence into something good, I’ve got to do some drastic. I’ve got to spin my constant ridicule of people with less money than me into something we can all look up to. I’ve got...
January 2012
24 posts
Brief: Underclassmen Begin Desperate Attempt To...
Underclassmen began their annual “rush” to ingratiate themselves with the idiots in Greek Life today- a phenomenon that, despite its implicit irrationality, has become widespread.
“Oh my god like I can’t fuccccckiiinnnn wait to rush,” said freshman Alexus Exus, who expects to win a spot at Kappa Kappa Gamma. “Like fuck.”
Rush week is expected to last a...
Addition Of Lana Del Rey To People's Place...
Sophomore People’s Place employee Adam Schwartzman added “Video Games” by chanteuse-sensation Lana Del Rey to his ITUNES playlist labeled “work.”
The song was quickly ridiculed by senior co-worker Jamie Van Shloss when it played at 9:43am today.
“Take this shit off,” Von Shloss said. “More like Lana Del Gay.”
Schwartzman is reported have...
Coffee-date Between Old Friends From Freshman Year...
Old friends from freshman year, Trisha Leibowitz and Crystal Gams rescheduled their coffee-date this afternoon. The date set was for 2pm at Starbucks.
Leibowitz cited “sooo buzyyy” in a text message to Gams, while Gams said it was “fine because she was soo tired from last night.”
Leibowitz and Gams were briefly friends during their freshman year. Both are now seniors.
...
No One Notices 15 Pounds Gained by Already Fat...
According to reports from nobody, Reggie Burkus, a 350 pound freshman, has put on 15 pounds since the beginning of the school year.
“What do you mean Burkus has already put on the freshman 15?” said Matt Ronalds, Burkus’ roommate. “I haven’t noticed anything. Now that you mention it, I still haven’t noticed anything. He kinda just looks the same.”
Over winter break, Burkus’ weight gain was...
Freshman Showering in Stall People Just Had Sex In
Freshman Jerry Mcelhanney is currently cleaning his body in a shower that was just used as a venue for 20 minutes of raunchy sex.
“It smells a little funky in here and there’s something sticky on my feet. Why’s there a loofa and a pair of underwear in the corner?” Mcelhanney, a magazine journalism major and resident of Lawrinson Hall floor 16. “This is my favorite stall. I shower in here...
Call for submissions
Announcing call for story submissions: leorangesubmissions@gmail.com chances are we’ll think you suck, but try anyway!
SDT Sister Asks World Renowned DJ ‘Deadmau5’ to...
SDT sophomore Bari Sheen posted a video to YouTube earlier this week, asking DJ/Producer ‘Deadmau5’ to their spring formal in Toronto.
Deadmau5, a Toronto native, said he was deeply moved by the video and would be happy to attend.
The asking of celebrities to meaningless, nihilistic exercises in intoxication and cheap sex, like the SDT formal, via viral video, is an ongoing trend among...
Drunk Mother Embarrasses Family
Pamela Brown, mother of sophomore Meredith Brown, reportedly embarrassed her family, after getting “sloshed” during a family dinner on Genesee Street.
The Brown family, who had just arrived in Syracuse to visit Meredith, took their daughter out to dinner at Phoebe’s. After several Martini’s, Mrs. Brown, who graduated from Syracuse in 1983, began reflecting on her glory days at the...
Zamboni Revolution Rocked By Scripted Show...
The future of Syracuse’s only improv comedy group, Zamboni Revolution, is in question after a show last week that appeared to be scripted.
“It was pretty obvious that they weren’t improvising. For one thing, one of the actors asked for his line, and there was a guy in the back holding cue cards,” said Mark Walldruss, a junior advertising major, who was sitting in the front row of the show last...
Campus Lesbians Reiterate They Don’t Want to Have...
A spokesperson for Syracuse University’s campus lesbians said, once again, that they weren’t interested in have a threesome with Syracuse University’s campus horny guys and another girl.
“Just get over it. It’s never going to happen,” campus lesbian spokeswoman Carol Baines said. “When you see us holding hands with our partner, stop giving us that eye that says you’re trying to hook up. At...
Enthusiastic R.A. Admits She Secretly Despises...
Carol Adams, a junior R.A. in Lawrinson Hall known for her enthusiasm, admitted today the she “secretly hates everything about this goddamn place from my residents right down to my fellow R.A.’s and the inane bullshit we have to do like hosting floor events that no one attends and one-on-one talks with seniors who just want to graduate. Fuck.”
A spokesperson for Residence Life...
Unexpected Tenderness After Workout Leads To...
The brothers at the fraternity SAMMY were thrown into turmoil this weekend after unexpected tenderness among several brothers at the Ernie Davis Gym lead to what is being deemed “fuckin’ confusion”.
“Yo, I’m fuckin’ confused about this shit,” explained sophomore Tony Rattatelli, after a high-five and chestbump combination lead to a slight “brushing...
Passionate Guest Lecturer Uses Too Many Positives...
During an hour-long lecture in a child psychology last week, passionate guest lecturer Marvin Hemlitz used too many positive and emphatic words and phrases while describing fetal alcohol syndrome.
“This stuff is awesome!” Hemlitz, a medical researcher at Temple University’s School of Medicine, said of the syndrome that can cause physical and mental deficiencies in babies. “You wouldn’t believe...
ZBT to Phase Out Use of Word 'Bro' by 2016
Leaders of Syracuse University’s chapter of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity announced this morning that they plan to have completely phased out the use of the term ‘bro’ by January 2016.
“The use of the word ‘bro’ makes us sound like a bunch of douche bags. We call each other bro, we call girls bro, I called my Mom bro yesterday. Well, no more. Today we are proud to announced the “No Bro”...
Number One Basketball Team Excited to Blow It in...
The number one ranked Syracuse mens’ basketball team announced late last night that they are excited for their opportunity to blow it in the NCAA tournament and disappoint fans for a fifth straight season.
“Given the kind of depth we have and the way we’ve been playing solid team basketball,” legendary coach Jim Boeheim said, “we are excited to lose to a vastly less talented team come tournament...
Education Student Expelled After Facebook Post
Syracuse University’s School of Education has expelled a graduate student from its teaching program after he complained on Facebook about racially charged remarks made by a superior.
Mark Kazcnerew, was told by the school that he would only be reinstated after “a frontal lobotomy” ensuring “the complete erasure of all potentially insensitive thinking” because of his...
"Students For Santorum" Gain Support Of LGBT...
In what appears to be a misunderstanding, the LGBT Center publicly praised the student group, “SU for Santorum” in a statement released to the Daily Orange.
While the student group is dedicated to raising campus support for Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, the LGBT Center seems to have confused the candidate with the term “santorum” which refers to the...
News In Brief: Junior Would Do Homework but...
A Storage Wars marathon on A&E yesterday made it impossible for junior chemistry major Ryan James to his homework.
“I just wanted to see if Barry was going to be up to his normal hijinx for the whole 10 hour marathon. I wanted to hear Dave yell his catchphrase, “Yuuuup,” for the 30th time,” James said. “I didn’t want to turn the tv off and do homework and then find out that I missed someone...
Professor Assigns Work During Syllabus Week
According to students in Professor James Neal’s English and Textual Studies class, his assignment of 100 pages of reading during syllabus week was out of line and uncalled for, causing at least half of the students to drop the class.
“Is that Professor Neal serious with this shit?” said junior Earl Beckins, a biology major. “He expects us to buy and read 115 pages of some book by Thursday or the...