Syracuse University’s annual statistics report revealed that the number of douchebags attending the school is at it’s highest point in the universities 142 year history.
“While we can proudly state that we have the most diverse student body in the history of this university, we are troubled by the number of total doughebags and assholes we have at this school today,” said university chancellor Nancy Cantor. “Effective today, a committee of senior ranking admissions officials will be looking into ways we can decrease the number of huge pieces of shit that we allow into this school each year.”
During a press conference attending by student journalists listening to house music and wearing lacrosse pinnies, Cantor admitted to the school’s lengthy history of affirmative douchebag action.
“Perhaps we went too far. In the last ten years, we have been looking at students on an individual basis. If we find two douches, however, who are equally qualified for admission, we have been offering enrollment to the lesser the two unbearable persons,” Cantor said. “Now, we are considering offering admission to neither individual. It’s only the first step though.”
The university’s annual diversity report, compiled by the office of admissions, showed the school has an 87% douchebag population, which is slightly higher than the 84% douchebag population that the school has had for the last 40 years.
“You can’t walk through this campus for three minutes without seeing a person that you just want to punch right in the fucking face. I’m going to kill the next student who invites me to the party they’re deejaying. Take off your neon backpack and your visor you stupid, reprehensible piece of shit. Nobody like you exists in intelligent society,” Cantor added. “For every one well-adjusted student we accept, we are accepting 18 gigantic tools and that is unacceptable. Perhaps we just won’t consider any applications from people who live in Long Island anymore. Man, most of the people at this school are really awful.”
At press time, the student press-core was asking around for some Adderall and going to SAE so they could write their article, which will be published in Jerk Magazine next month.