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TriDelt Announces Implementation Of “Dutch Approach” To Oral Sex

TriDelt announced today that it would be implementing the famed “Dutch Approach” to oral sex. 

Sorority sisters are expected to head to Amsterdam for a one week training program over spring break.

The “Dutch Approach” is known in the Greek world for its potent effect on penises and penis like objects. It is said to reduce cum time to an average of seven seconds.

Houses currently using the Dutch technique include Alpha Phi and Pi Beta Phi.

The move to the “Dutch Approach” is reportedly a response to Delta Tau Delta’s new requirement that its brothers not receive “dome” by any other means.

Ugly Girl’s Friends Tell Her She’s Beautiful

Ugly girl, Hillary Siegfried, a sophomore in VPA, was told by her friends this afternoon that she was beautiful—a blatant lie.

Friends were helping Siegfried prepare for a date arranged on the dating website Ok Cupid.

"Hillary is ugly as shit," said friend Amy Stephens. "But we figured it would be better to irrationally build up her hopes for a date that is doomed to fail the second the guy sees she isn’t the best possible version of herself that she has posted as her profile photo…or when he isn’t the best possible version…you get the picture."

According to Facebook posts, Siegfried is “super nervous and excited!!” for the date.

The date, townie Greg Taggit has said that he will prepare for the date by “masturbating to what he is pretending that she will look like” while admitting that she “will probably be fat or something.”

God Admits To University That He “Goofed” When He Created Us

God announced today in a message sent from the angel Gabriel to campus that he “goofed” when he created Syracuse. 

"Yea, I was trying to make a better Canada and things didn’t go the way I’d planned," God said through Gabriel. "My bad."

Students planning on believing that their life had meaning were forced to admit that maybe college life was a cosmic accident.

"I…I’m devastated…but hopeful," said junior Shelly Steinhead. "I feel like it…no fuck it this is terrible."

"I’m Jewish, so I feel like this is probably my fault," said senior Adam Goldblatch. "I hope my mother doesn’t find out I got a degree from an accidental university."

Reclusive Film Student Releases First Bad Student Film In Three Semesters

Reclusive VPA student flim-maker Fabian Thompson released his first terrible student film in three months, drawing comparisons to a shitty Terrence Malick.

"It was five minutes of poorly written, low quality, cliched pastiches of the bad TV shows that are all he watches," explained professor Lani Cairnes. "This was the most anticipated piece of shit in three semesters."

Friends say that Thompson had gone in seculsion in Lawrinson Hall after his last film was too well-received.

"People pretended like this last film was actually good, which really bugged Fabian—he knows he’s the best of the worst, and he wants to be treated like the pathetic novice that he is," said sophomore Franky Times. "I think he spent a lot the past semester contemplating how he could make something so bad that it lasts all the way until next semester, you know? He wants TA’s to use his work as an example to other film students who will make terrible student films before doing something in business for the rest of their lives."

Thompson has reportedly begun work on his next project. Tenatively titled “Seinfeld II”

Senior Just Wants Boyfriend Back After Attaining Freedom WIth Break-Up; Willing To Sacrifice Freedom For It

Senior Freida Higgins admitted today that she just wants to get back together with her boyfriend Tim Waters after breaking up with him last week.

"I thought I just wanted to sleep around and you know, just enjoy being a senior, but I feel like shit," said Higgins.

Friends say Higgins has, “Realized she can’t get laid as much as she thought she could except for ugly guys.”

As for Waters, the ex claims that he was prepared all along for Higgins to come crawling back.

"Yea dude, she couldn’t last without this," Waters said pointing to his penis. "And I bet she fucking missed my emotional sensativity too."

The couple seems, according to eyewitnesses, to be on a collison course for getting back together.

"Isn’t life just about accepting you can’t date the people you really like?" Higgins said.

Sophomore Orders Sushi During Episode Of Girls

Sophomore Elizabeth Hexameter ordered sushi on Sunday night during an episode of girls.

It is not known whether the sushi was vegetarian or contained fish.

According to university officials, Hexameter was one of “every female” to order sushi while watching girls this Sunday.

Thermonuclear Asshole Accident At TKE; Comstock Avenue Evacuated

An accident involving a thermonuclear asshole at TKE this morning lead to the evacuation of student-residents living along Comstock Avenue, as well as portions of Euclid and University.

The thermonuclear asshole is said to have overheated after a party at the fraternity was broken up by DPS.

Senior fraternity member Nathaniel Waines, one of several assholes classified by the IFC as “thermonuclear” is suspected in the explosion.

Students are encouraged to seek parties on Walnut Avenue until the fallout is contained.

Diversity Statistics Reveal All Time Douchebag High

Syracuse University’s annual statistics report revealed that the number of douchebags attending the school is at it’s highest point in the universities 142 year history.

“While we can proudly state that we have the most diverse student body in the history of this university, we are troubled by the number of total doughebags and assholes we have at this school today,” said university chancellor Nancy Cantor. “Effective today, a committee of senior ranking admissions officials will be looking into ways we can decrease the number of huge pieces of shit that we allow into this school each year.”

During a press conference attending by student journalists listening to house music and wearing lacrosse pinnies, Cantor admitted to the school’s lengthy history of affirmative douchebag action.

“Perhaps we went too far. In the last ten years, we have been looking at students on an individual basis. If we find two douches, however, who are equally qualified for admission, we have been offering enrollment to the lesser the two unbearable persons,” Cantor said. “Now, we are considering offering admission to neither individual. It’s only the first step though.”

The university’s annual diversity report, compiled by the office of admissions, showed the school has an 87% douchebag population, which is slightly higher than the 84% douchebag population that the school has had for the last 40 years.

“You can’t walk through this campus for three minutes without seeing a person that you just want to punch right in the fucking face. I’m going to kill the next student who invites me to the party they’re deejaying. Take off your neon backpack and your visor you stupid, reprehensible piece of shit. Nobody like you exists in intelligent society,” Cantor added. “For every one well-adjusted student we accept, we are accepting 18 gigantic tools and that is unacceptable. Perhaps we just won’t consider any applications from people who live in Long Island anymore. Man, most of the people at this school are really awful.”

At press time, the student press-core was asking around for some Adderall and going to SAE so they could write their article, which will be published in Jerk Magazine next month.

Drunk At Party, ETS Major Makes Out With Old Dead White Guy

Drunk at a party this past weekend, senior ETS major Erika Themes made out with an old dead white guy, undoing her years of training in critical texts.

"I made a mistake—I think it was with like Milton or maybe it was fuck, I dunno, like, Whitman or somebody—but some ODWG…I feel like I need to shower in Foucault."

Themes later admitted that the old dead white guy was a good kisser.

ZBT To Host First Annual “Yiddish Theater” Event In Walnut Park

The brothers of ZBT announced this morning that they will host “Yiddish Theater in the Park” this May. 

Yiddish theatre consists of plays written and performed primarily by Jews in Yiddish the language of the Central European Ashkenazi Jewish community. Professional Yiddish theatre in London began in 1884, and flourished until the mid-1930s. By 1896, Kalman Juvilier's troupe was the only one remaining in Romania, where Yiddish theatre had started, although Mogulesko would spark a revival there in 1906.

ZBT President Zach Leventhal said in a statement that the fraternity hopes “that returning to our roots” will be a “fucking party bro.”

No word yet on whether AePi will host a rival Yiddish event.

Hillel has said they will help sponsor the event.